A boundary is a verbal, actionable or energetic limit that we put in place to take care our own needs. 

Setting a boundary is about identifying something that you will no longer accept and this can be in the context of a personal, professional, romantic or other relationship.  A boundary might be mental, physical, emotional, energetic or material.

Sometimes working on a boundary is about holding a boundary with another person, but it can also be holding a boundary that we have set for ourselves such as a commitment to not engage in our own unhelpful behaviours (too much scrolling on social media, responding immediately to emails that distracts us from other important work etc.).

Setting a boundary is about gaining a sense of agency about a situation or relationship dynamic that isn’t working for us (and often isn’t working for the other person either).

A lack of boundaries can show up as:

• People pleasing at the expense of self
• Being in conflict about setting a boundary which might upset another person
• Not being able to say “no”
• Feeling resentment, disappointment or frustration.

In the case of my clients, one was working with a business partner that wasn’t fully aligned with his mission and was being openly difficult and obstructive.  Another client was elevating her business and was trying to ethically and sensitively manage a long term client who was beginning to demonstrate co-dependent behaviours.  A third client was being impacted by her partner’s lack of boundaries with another person.

As a coach, I’m not immune to experiencing challenges with boundaries (if only I were!).  Just recently I encountered a scenario where I needed to set a boundary with a friend around time and energy.   And even though I have the awareness, objectivity and the practice to spot what was going on and how to navigate, I still felt really uncomfortable because of my own fears around upsetting another person, in this case a cherished friend.  When we set a boundary it can feel like we are intentionally hurting the other person and that can often mean we don’t do the work.  Which only perpetuates the issue.

“Good fences make good neighbours.”

Robert Frost, Poet

And this is where coaching can be so helpful in helping to identify the intention behind the boundary being set (which is of course a positive thing) and understanding the possible consequences in order to set the boundary in the most effective way.

As humans, we have a tendency to shy away from discomfort because we think it means we are getting something wrong, or in this case causing harm (which of course we are not). But discomfort is actually a sign that we are shifting out of our familiar and unhelpful behaviours into new ones which serve us and our relationships for the better.  So of course it feels uncomfortable, and unfamiliar, and hard.

In the case of my friend, I had to work very hard to get clear on why I was setting a boundary (because ultimately her behaviour was negatively impacting on me and it also wasn’t serving her) and at the same time, I had to be prepared for the possible negative impact on our relationship if she didn’t accept the boundary or worse, saw it as a personal slight or attack.  Happily, this event has bought us much closer together and it also means we have opened up a whole new area of deeper connection, that we didn’t have before.  Because we have a deeper respect for one another.

A boundary isn’t about taking the moral high ground or about a power-play between two individuals.  A boundary also isn’t about pointing out and taking action on every single behaviour or action that we do not like or agree with. Setting a boundary is about putting a limit on a pattern of behaviour which over time has an adverse impact on us, and often too, on the other person.  And in situations like this, we come to observe that by tolerating the behaviour, we are as responsible for it’s persistence as the person demonstrating the unhelpful or harmful behaviour.

A boundary also isn’t about trying to control a situation or another person.  Whilst it might appear or feel this way at first, a boundary ISN’T about hurting another person and this is why it is so important to do the work BEFORE setting a boundary, to be crystal clear on the intention behind it.

When they are set right, boundaries are not an egoic thing. In fact, much the opposite. In the case of my friend, part of setting the boundary was about me communicating my needs which felt exposing and vulnerable, and it also meant me having to be open to feedback from her.  Setting a boundary is a two-way street.

Are you encountering challenges similar to those mentioned here?

Ask yourself these questions to understand if a boundary has been crossed or if you haven’t set a strong enough boundary:

• Does it impede on your emotional or physical wellbeing?
• Does it make you feel small or like you’re settling?
• Do you feel like you are being taken advantage of physically, emotionally, financially, energetically?

You can access my FREE resource here:

These are my key prompts for setting healthy boundaries.  I hope you find them useful.

And if you need some more bespoke support,  why not book a discovery call to explore how working with me can elevate your operations and your outcomes.